Sunday, November 30, 2008

Video Game Review

Bioshock


Ever been enjoying in an amusing bit of internet chat, only to have some dork barrel in shouting about how the BBC is a Marxist propaganda tool, whose funding is extorted from the people with the threat of official force?

Ever had some joker explain to you with a straight face that all of Britain's problems are due to the existence of welfare, and felt a mad desire to smash your computer to pieces with a hammer?

Well your time has come peeps, for oddball first-person libertarian-shooter Bioshock is now available on all major platforms, and it offers a variety of vicious weapons with which to blast, impale, burn and electrocute a vast array of deranged right wing fruitcakes.

Set in 1960, the game takes place in Rapture, an underwater city that operates on strict Randroid rules, founded by double-handed wingnut wanker Andrew Ryan. The city's ludicrous take on a Darwinist Utopia - basically, I'm Rich, Fuck Off And Die - has inevitably led to society's total collapse. Here, rather than mooching around bitching about smoking bans and lecturing the disinterested and indifferent on the merits of minarchism, the libertarians of Rapture have regressed into capitalism with the gloves off - i.e. killing people weaker than them then taking their stuff, and sneaking around harrassing little girls.

The game is chock-full of moral and political philosophy and offers the player the opportunity to play as hero or villain, but the core of the game is simple - to whack as many right wingers as possible by exploding them with grenades, braining them with a spanner or setting them on fire with pyrokinesis.

A joy to play, this game is a must-have for anyone who's ever been subjected to a lengthy tirade on how it will rain tits and champagne if only everyone agrees to suck down bucketloads of raw, steaming shite about the miracles of the free market and smaller government.

Rating: Like loony-bin victimwank website Samizdata, except you get a flamethrower. Outstanding. 9/10

Update!: For further libertarianism in video games, readers are advised to check out the post-apocalyptic nightmare universe of Fallout 3.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Activities More Productive And Less Infuriating...

...Than Spending Four Weeks Trying To Convince British Telecom That Your Broadband Service Is Broken And Repeatedly Requesting That An Engineer Attend To Repair It, Only To Be Fobbed Off With Bullshit, Excuses And Impertinent Remarks, Over And Over Again

1. Heat up pan of water until it begins to boil over. Gently lower clackersack into pan while whistling theme tune to The A Team.

2. Pick up telephone and dial BT's Customer "Service" line. Once connected to BT bullshit-monkey, shove receiver up own anus. Entertain family pet with amusing anecdotes, witty off-the-cuff repartee.

3. Invent your own written alphabet composed of crude anatomical drawings, beat own face with spanner.

Addendum - BASIC Instructions For Speaking with British Telecom Bullshit-Monkey

10 GOTO PHONE
20 TYPE PHONE NUMBER
30 LIST ERRORS
40 WAIT
50 CONTINUE
60 BOOT OWN TESTICLES
70 GOTO 10


Bastards, the lot of them. When I become Supreme Ruler Of Greater Caledonia (Incorporating The Protectorate Of Lesser London), they'll be first against the wall.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Historic Poll Result As U.S. Elects Reasonable Human Being

Barack Obama Wins With Message of Hope, Change, Not Being a Total Asshole About Everything

All News Media, 5th November 2008

In what many see as a turning point for the country, Barack Obama has won the presidency of the United States, sweeping to power with broad support from both asshole and non-asshole Americans.

Transcending years of prejudice, division and a traditional tendency to elect the goofiest, nastiest motherfucker on the ballot to the nation's highest office, the American people yesterday voted decisively for their first non-asshole president in living memory.

There were emotional scenes as Americans watched the historic result, with many expressing joy, astonishment and strong hopes for a brighter, marginally less offensive future.

"I never thought I'd see this day," said Marjorie Woncklespanck, a 62-year-old Virginian who has lived through decades of unbelievable presidential vindictiveness, small-minded, bigoted stupidity and plain old mean-spirited evil.

"All my life, every President has been a complete jerk... Whether he was crushing labour unions, launching pointless, jingoistic military bloodbaths or just whipping up fear and hatred of foreigners, homos, blacks and commies, I just accepted the fact that I'd never live to see an intelligent, reasonable human being in the White House."

"It gladdens my heart to think we have a president who might be able to restrain himself from sticking his dick into his secretary's ear within five minutes of taking office."

The result is being hailed as a victory for decency and common sense, as the electorate delivered a devastating rejection of the Republican candidates, who ran on a political platform of being the dumbest, meanest, ugliest assholes imaginable.

Republican nominee John McCain, an asshole of epic proportions, used his concession speech to apologise to a crowd of his pigshit-thick, wildly aggressive, yahoo supporters for failing to swing the American people behind his My Opponent Is a Traitor, a Commie And Probably a Faggot To Boot campaign message.

"My fellow asshole Americans, I did everything in my power to demonstrate to the people of this country that I was the belligerent, ignorant, flag-waving knucklehead that this country needed... I fell short in that effort. I congratulate my opponent Barack Obama - " (Loud boos, screams, gunshots) "- on winning the White House. I have every confidence that he will be a good and effective president -" (Grunts, howls, sound of gallows being hastily erected) "- and will now focus on finding new and inventive ways to tell newspaper reporters that he is a commie terrorist who lusts for the blood of Christian children."

President Elect Barack Obama now faces difficult challenges on the economy and foreign policy. Insiders are counselling caution as the incoming president will have to make a number of unpopular decisions, but his supporters are confident that he will tackle the issues without being a total cunt about it.

Monday, November 03, 2008

What Happens When The Author Has 10 Minutes To Post And No Time To Edit

Sitting down at the internet cafe tonight, and still offline at the house for reasons more embarrassingly stupid than I care to list. It really couldn't have come at a worse time than slap-bang in the middle of the American election, which has careered wildly off the path of mild amusement and crashed into an insane asylum of hooting lunacy, leaving the streets filled with dazed, drooling wingnuts.

From what I can pick up off FOX News and CNN, the internet's a veritable shitstorm of rancid crazy, and here I am, reading mere books in my spare time! Proper ones, with no pictures!

There's no justice.

Still, being offline has given me a different perspective, i.e. the watch the news or read a paper one that people who aren't politics geeks have, and here's what I'm picking up...

Barack Obama is totally a socialist, and he wants to give rich people's money to poor people. The honest, hardworking poor people don't want rich people's money, because that's un-American, and Americans hate money, especially other people's money that's free.

I know that because the woman on FOX News said she'd read 1984 twice, and she can smell the echoes of fascism and communism. It's not clear in what way a fascist echo smells differently to a communist echo, but the reek of totalitarianism is tangible. Hence, an Obama victory means a future in which unlaced white, special edition Run DMC Reebok trainer stamps on a human face forever, except when the trainer takes time out from stamping on the face to pick America's pocket, and then it's back to the stamping.

Mind, Bill O'Reilly announced that Obama can't be a communist, because he buys things. You can always spot a commie, because he isn't interested in drugs or beer or rent boys like the rest of us - oh no. Your average commie would rather sit reading Camus in a cafeteria while stroking his beard, and you'd better believe that the Camus, the cafeteria and the beard will all have been stolen from the sweat of the working man's brow.

Also, John McCain was a Prisoner of War (note the capitals, peeps) and a long spell in a bamboo cage seems to have left him with too much skin on his neck, a cadaverous grin and a tendency to hug bald plumbers. Not that he got up to anything gay or anything in the camp, because he favours family values, but he could've done, having been a strapping lad who's up for action at the drop of a hat.

Not only that, but Barack Obama stands for Hope and Change, and he proves it every day by setting his jaw and staring determinedly into the middle distance. You might think he's gazing into an unknown future with solemn determination, but I can tell you what he sees there - he sees a photographer, and a load of egghead, elitist journalists shouting Ack-Ack-Ack! like the aliens in Mars Attacks! - but those journalists are symbolic, not literal.

They're saying that America is about to turn a corner, and that there's light at the end of the tunnel which is just round the corner, and that light at the end of the tunnel which is just round the corner is symbolic too - it symbolises a new dawn for America, or at least a good chance that the President can use the word Negotiation without being called a queer on national television.

Also, Sarah Palin is dangerously insane.

Right, that's your lot - I'm out of credit. Back as soon as possible.