Saturday, September 27, 2008

You're Like a German Parakeet

(Note - this report just in from our Alternative Universe correspondent, who covers a world infinitely more sane and just than this.)

Candidates Villify "War Criminal" Kissinger, Call For His Arrest And Trial
Alternative Reality News, 28th September 2008

Both presidential candidates sought to distance themselves from any association with former Secretary of State Dr. Henry Kissinger during Friday's presidential debate, furiously condemning his involvement in illegal bombing campaigns, his role in deposing democratically elected leaders and complicity in mass murder and ethnic cleansing during the '60s and '70s.

"I'm aware that Dr. Kissinger has commented on American foreign policy," Senator Obama said, "But the fact remains that he is a wanted war criminal and a fugitive from justice, and I wish our law enforcement agencies the best of luck in bringing this despicable man to trial."

Senator McCain, however, criticised Obama for being too lenient on Kissinger. "Speaking as a former POW who was captured while bombing North Vietnam, I am disgusted that Senator Obama has not called for Dr. Kissinger's immediate execution... Not a day goes by in which I don't regret my involvement in the massive aerial bombardment of that country, nor the role I played in a war that killed over two million Vietnamese, most of them civilians. Dr. Kissinger should be hunted down like a dog and executed like a pig for what he did to Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos during his tenure."

Shouting to be heard over the cheering studio audience, Senator Obama endorsed Senator McCain's statement and vowed that, should he be elected president, the capture, trial and televised execution of all American war criminals would be a top priority.

Not to be outdone, Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin pledged to personally track Dr. Kissinger down with her helicopter and rifle, and to "Dispatch him to the very bowels of Hell, where scum like him belongs... He should be crucified upside down for what he did to Chile and Indonesia."

It's a move that has proved popular with the electorate and the press, as the hunt for the rogue foreign policy expert and butcher of the innocent continued. The media has been almost unanimous in its praise for the candidates' tough stance on ensuring prosecutions for all war crimes, regardless of their perpetrators' nationality or the administrations they served.

"What kind of a nation would we be if we allowed a monster like Dr. Kissinger to breathe free air for the rest of his days?" One Republican insider asked this reporter. "The very thought that Dr. Kissinger might be involved in politics even today turns my stomach... If politicians in 2008 were still taking advice from men like him, we might as well just demolish the White House, hand the new president a battle-axe and place him atop a hundred-foot-high pile of children's skulls."

The debates will continue on Thursday, when both candidates are expected to call for the trial and incarceration of hundreds of Wall Street bankers for crimes against humanity.




The ever-excellent Clay Bennett is now publishing his stuff here.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Shorter Nick Cohen

Things have come to a pretty pass when a police officer cannot shoot whoever he likes, whenever he likes, without having to answer a lot of impertinent questions.

Bonus! - What Nick Says And What He Means

"When the police kill an innocent man in a dictatorship, no one dares protest... As the United Nations noted recently, the Rio de Janeiro police kill three people every day. In London, the killing of one man in 2005 is a national scandal..."

One death is a tragedy; three deaths every day is a statistic that proves you are a despicable hypocrite.

"They found it much easier to concentrate on the faults of the Met which, after all, can be held to account by politicians, judges, coroners and journalists than confront the uncontrollable psychosis of religious fascism."

You can't make a freedom omelette without shooting a few eggs in the head eight times at point-blank range, and anyone who says differently is an Islamofascistical.

Bonus bonus! - Build your own Nick Cohen column!

"Once again, the liberals have gone berserk/shown their moral blindness/thrown their lot in with radical religious fascists/murderers/the far right. No sooner had (x) bombed/shot/tortured (y), than liberals were up in arms, declaring/screeching/screaming that (x) was morally indistinguishable from Osama Bin Laden/Idi Amin/Darth Vader...

In an act so common in our times, liberals had lost their bearings/flipped from left to right and turned their backs on/betrayed/intellectually sodomised their suffering comrades in (z).

When dictators/tyrants/fascists in (z) murder/torture their citizens, liberals are silent... But when (x) murders/tortures (y), they are up in arms. They find it easier to attack/accuse/demonise (x), when (x) is fully accountable/a democratic society/will face cursory court proceedings and be slapped on the wrist.

(Insert lengthy and exceptionally dubious anecdote about comments made by fictional liberals at a dinner party in Islington; ensure special mention is made of effeminate foodstuffs)

Put quite simply, liberals are blind to the threat posed by (y). Common sense/national security demands that (x) bomb/shoot/torture (y) to protect civilisation from the dire threat of Osama Bin Laden/Idi Amin/Darth Vader.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

What's Eating Christopher Hitchens?

Okay, so back when the Republicans were attempting to tar Obama as an out-of-touch , wealthy elitist, Hitchens had nothing to say. Then the issue blew up in their faces like an exploding shit-in-the-box as McCain forgot how many houses he owned, and our Chris leapt into action...

"Why oh why can't we focus on real issues? Anyway, McCain was having a bit of a giggle, so why must these Democrats come out with this demagogic, partisan, idiocy?"

And when the Republican Veep nominee turned out to be a vacuous know-nothing with only snarky comments and twee bullshit to recommend her?

"Why oh why must all these dreadful lefties attack Mrs. Palin, and doesn't this just show how both sides are awful, especially that silly Mr. Obama?"

And this week, when the entire capitalist system has juddered to a halt and threatens to pitch us all into penury, what did everyone's favourite tubby, neo-conservative Yoda have to say on the matter?

"Why oh why is Barack Obama such a gutless, whining pussy?"

Is anyone else noticing a theme here? It's almost as if Hitchens is taking every possible opportunity to piss on the left candidate and is focusing on his foibles to the exclusion of all else.

Either that or he fancies that John McCain, and wants to do it with him and everything.

What the hell's up with the guy? I know Paul Wolfowitz made Hitchens his bitch back in 2002, but Jesus, get over it already. If he hasn't called back after five years, he's just not that into you, Chris.

It makes me wonder what Hitchens is going to come out with next. If an incoming McCain/Obama administration decides to nominate Trig Palin as Secretary for Defence, I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if Hitchens responded by immediately driving round to Joe Biden's house and thrusting his dick into his ear.

God, General Petraeus better keep his head down now that he's back stateside, too, or he's going to wind up having to explain to everyone he meets why there's a boozy English hack furiously humping his leg.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Don't Shoot, Let 'Em Burn!

Being an appreciation of the comedic presidency of George W. Bush; the knaves, fools and cretins who made it possible, and ruminations on the 2008 US elections, as penned by a snarky Scotsman

(Note - posted now because, come January, every no-talent chucklehead with a blog will be boring us to tears with this type of interminable, po-faced retrospective.)

The waning years of the second Bush presidency have seen many posit that the left's boundless contempt for the 43rd president of the United States results from deep-seated elitist disdain for the working man's lifestyle and values, or from their Bush Derangement Syndrome. Some say that, for educated Europeans, W. is the very embodiment of everything they've despised about the new world since De Tocqueville's day, and their hatred for him reveals only their own prejudices.

All of this may well be true, but it's impossible to assess Bush's unpopularity without noting that he actually is a snickering, know-nothing moron - a cheerful imbecile elevated to the most powerful office on the planet solely because he is the pampered, much-indulged son of a spectacularly wealthy plutocrat.

Similarly, when the Charles Krauthammers of the world proclaim that Europeans despise Bush because he has the audacity to defend American interests, it's worth remembering that Bush has presided over almost two terms of screaming, rocket-propelled national decline. Far from defending America, Bush has acted like an Iranian sleeper agent from day one, marching the world's mightiest military into a ruinous bloodbath with only shit-eating grins and macho Hey, we're here to get the bad guys bollocks by way of a plan.

On every foreign policy front, the administration has acted is if it was operating at the behest of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad with a string of astonishing clusterfucks... Exterminating Iranian-hating, psychotic butcher Saddam Hussein and handing control of Iraq to the Ayatollahs; sitting by with their dicks in their hands while the deranged North Korean regime pronounced itself a nuclear power; gibbering about state-mandated buttsex while Pakistan melted down into the kind of anarchic non-state in which warlords could twist Musharraf's tit with impunity and sobbing like schoolgirls while Vladimir Putin took a huge, steaming shit on the White House lawn.

Meanwhile, his economic policies were intended to impale American society on the throbbing horn of the social class he actually represents - royalty - but have resulted this week in big government nationalisations that would give Lenin's corpse a raging boner. Outside of aid to Africa, it's hard to think of a Bush policy that hasn't been a hilarious, slapstick fuck-up that's ceased to be funny when its horrific consequences have become apparent.

The Bush admin, in short, has been the America-hater's wet dream, plunging the world's only superpower into the toilet bowl at the speed of sound. Their actions couldn't have been more perfectly designed to sabotage a global empire if they'd been drawn up by anarchist punks. Between them, the lolloping freaks who have held high office across the pond have ruled like a nightmare coalition of Mikhail Gorbachev, Emperor Franz-Josef and Idi Amin, seemingly bent on turning the nation into the kind of poverty-stricken banana republic they so love to sponsor in the southern hemisphere.

They've been the answered prayer of every batshit crazy Jihadist... But let's not forget that they couldn't have done it without the help of America's own suicide bombers - right wing Christian conservatives.

In the past few months, we've been invited to respect the manias of this particular stratum of American society, as if wilful lunacy, unfocused belligerence and small-minded hatred for the new and the foreign were the hallmarks of the good-hearted working class rather than the prejudices of pig-ignorant shitheads.

The media creatures of the Bush plutocracy have been quick to level charges of snobbery at anyone making the 100% correct point that the Republican base is composed entirely of pant-shitting fruitcakes and uptight closet-cases who would joyfully place a gaggle of Christian mullahs in the Oval Office, given the merest opportunity; who would gladly and ecstatically embrace the most deranged military adventure provided it gave them yet another chance to salute the flag and pretend that the world still works like it did in Band of Brothers.

For make no mistake, nobody hates the modern United States with more passion than the core Republican voter. Consider the cries of Drill, Baby, Drill! at the recent Republican convention - calling for a completely ineffective campaign of environmental vandalism while ignoring the impending energy crisis, just to piss off liberals. You're looking at people who would rather burn their own homes to the ground than countenance a second's happiness for hippies, homos or greenies... People who would cheerfully grind their own cities into sand and salt the earth in which they stood if it'd annoy their political enemies for a moment.

And so we come to the 2008 elections, in which a bad-tempered, 800-year-old war veteran who has criticised every misguided bombing campaign of the past forty years as being overly nice faces off against a black, Harvard-educated intellectual who can say the word diplomacy without puking shit out of his nose. Little wonder, then, that the mental right wing has reacted like the citizens of Rock Ridge in Blazing Saddles.

The highlight of the campaign so far, for me, was undoubtedly the countless bloggers who shat themselves in outrage at Grauniad writer Jonathan Freedland's column, in which he accurately contended that the world would conclude that the Americans are morons if they elect John McCain.

Who does this impertinent foreigner think he is, telling us how to run our country? they said, with absolutely no irony whatsover. It's our country, nobody else tells us what to do, they cried, while the Vietnamese, to choose but one example, still tend rice paddies and fish in rivers that the US Air Force sprayed with poison for a decade.

All of which brings me to the point of this behemoth of a post - what will be the response of reasonable people to the election of a President McCain?

Well, I don't want to speak for the Earth's population, but I'll wager it'll be an immediate realisation that the Americans have decided that their country is too depraved to be allowed to live, and have decided to utterly destroy it.

Me, I reckon the Americans are free to vote as they choose, but my attitude will be similar to that of the soldiers in that scene in Saving Private Ryan where the GIs blast the German pillbox with flamethrowers, setting the unfortunate Nazis ablaze - Don't Shoot, Let 'Em Burn!

Hell, you know that they're just men like you, with families and friends and pets, but you've just watched them cut your buddies in half in a hail of machine gun fire and you're not in a forgiving mood. They've made their choice and they're just going to have to live with the consequences.

If that seems harsh, just look back at the last eight years - really get a good picture in your mind, and concentrate on the relentless horror of it - then imagine another four.

Not quite so harsh now, is it?

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Fuckyounomics In Crisis

As our current financial clusterfuck spreads and deepens, slaughtering the great and good with giddy abandon, one question is on everyone's lips - will the fuckyounomic system survive?

I don't think you have to be a committed Marxist to recognise that this particular fuckyounomic disaster - merely the latest in an astonishing string of slapstick fuck-ups - is the entirely predictable result of treating markets as if they were deities, businessmen as if they were saints and theorists as if they were priests.

Regular readers will be able to guess where I'd place ultimate responsibility and won't need another lecture on the subject, so let me summarise by saying A large number of people who have served in government in English-speaking countries and innumerable ideologues and conmen who made their fortunes selling pyramid schemes to the upwardly-mobile.

That said, I notice that lots of people - of whom Grauniad dipshit Seumas Milne is only one - have decided that capitalism as we know it is dead, and are speculating on the world's fuckyounomic future.

If anyone's willing to take the bet on, I've got a tenner that says whatever modified system we adopt will funnel practically all of its profits to those who already possess great wealth and that it'll greatly reward the ruling elites of nations all over the world, while conferring scant benefits on the poor majority.

I also predict that, fifteen years from now, the hot topics at the highest level of government will be deregulation and incentivisation, and that the pages of the world's newspapers will be filled with rah-rah, sabre-rattling free trade horseshit peddled by Friedman-quoting frauds with sharp suits and dazzling stock portfolios.

Or, who knows, maybe it'll be a socialist utopia. Any takers for that bet?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

International Politics Round-Up

Pushed for time today, so a brief runthrough will have to do...

Starting at home, I see that Scottish Labour have opted for Iain Grey MSP to lead their party. This is a bold choice, as most parties tend to look for vague traces of wit and charisma in their leaders, but it may yet pay off... Mr. Grey may come across as a gold medal contender for Scotland's Monotony Olympics team, but with that salt and pepper hair and those smouldering good looks he should knock the FM dead for raw sex appeal.

Let's hope he remembers to keep his mouth shut and concentrates on flexing those huge pectorals when he takes his shirt off in the debating chamber.

Down at Westminster, Wee Gordon Broon is facing open revolt but has opted to come out fighting. As the Torygraph reports, he's Seeking Barack Obama Aides to Help Beat David Cameron.

A bold step, and one that impresses me, being a fan of aggressive politics. I suggest he lets Obama's aides grab Cameron from behind and give him a few sharp punches in his ribs before Broon steams into the long streak of piss with a stiff kick in the balls. I'm looking forward to the front pages of the tabloids already.

Meanwhile, across the pond, Senator John McCain has been cutting into Senator Obama's lead. This not only guarantees an exciting climax to the election season, but may also mean that a world superpower could soon be led by an undead premier for the first time since the days when Yuri Andropov crept through the corridors of the Kremlin.

Naturally, the outcome is going to pivot on his ability to avoid characteristic McCain gaffes such as self-contradiction, short-temperedness or being caught on camera feasting on the blood of screaming virgins.

Much, of course, depends on his VP choice Sarah Palin. As expected, the press has focused on non-issues such as the revelation that her daughter had sex with that moose in Bristol, or that Mrs. Palin loves nothing more than shooting wild liberals from a small aeroplane.

If the Republican campaign can keep the press focused on Sarah Palin's positives, i.e. her canine ignorance of national and international politics, her cretinous religious beliefs and her nakedly obvious unfitness for office, then John McCain can surely look forward to sitting down in a flame-wreathed crypt beneath the Oval Office in a mere matter of months.

That's all for today, check back for updates.

Monday, September 15, 2008

One Long, Extended Whine Of Self-Pity And Bitter Resentment

Before yesterday's US bank disaster, I didn't own a pot to piss in.

Today, I've awoken to discover that the price of piss-pots has risen.

Shooing the cockroaches away from the smoking debris of my finances and picking through the wreckage it looks like the long and glorious period of 2004-2008, during which I could get by on the income from a single job, is coming to an end. Unless I can find a job that pays substantially better, it's going to be back to putting in a full day at the office then pulling pints and cleaning up sick 'til half past one in the morning.

I'd hoped that having to work two jobs was just something you had to endure in your early twenties, but it seems it's just the way of the modern world... But let us not despair. Let us instead take comfort in the sage words of the Great Leader Of British Blogging, Mr. Guido Fawkes...

"Capitalism is a system of profit and loss. Nobody should be too big to fail. Wall Street will figure out a way of making money again. Capitalism in crisis? Don't count on it, there will be new fortunes made clearing up the mess. Meantime, gold looks due a bounce..."

Thank goodness for that. I, for one, look forward to investing my fat reserves of fuck-all in gold, the better to take advantage of this impending bonanza of riches.

If only Mr. Fawkes had appended one of his trademark tirades on how only the absolute destruction of government and the subsequent coronation of the same free-market wizards who brought us today's bust will result in a shower of golden ponies for all, I wouldn't have these lingering concerns.

Incidentally, would this be a good time to point out that one of my grandfathers was able to raise six children, own a home and a car and take modest holidays on a site engineer's wages?

Or that the other, on the income he earned maintaining and repairing cinema projectors, was able to do the same for a family of three?

Even in the early eighties, my Dad - a car mechanic - was able to support a family on only one pay-packet.

There's surely a lesson to be learned here. I'll be sure to ponder the question long and hard while I'm cleaning huge stacks of fucking ashtrays.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

ZaNu-Labour's Elitist Contempt For The Hard-Working British Coward

(Guest post by Harvey Cashburger, Barking Mentalism Correspondent)

Of the countless treasonous crimes committed by the Socio-fascist psychopaths of ZaNu Labour, there is one act of treachery so infamous, so loathsome and reprehensible, that their usual totalitarian machinations pale in comparison.

I speak, of course, of their wilful refusal to allow the hard-working British coward to acquire a sizeable arsenal of firearms for the defence of his home, hearth and his quivering yellow backside.

The good-hearted Briton is a humble creature, and slow to violence... Yet as the televisual news informs him of the latest scandalous atrocity, he is prone to wistful reveries in which he wedges the barrel of a shotgun into the mouth of some hypothetical yob, bades him kneel and forces the ruffian to acknowledge ones nakedly superior virility.

Even as the nation sinks beneath great tidal waves of villainy and outrage, the elitist, anti-British tyrants of ZaNu Labour offer only cheers of joy, glorying in the knowledge that the decent, ordinary Briton lies utterly prostrate at the feet of the thugs his masters have coddled. Deprived of his most basic liberty - the right to thrust a small pistol into the ear of any footpad who confounds ones sense of vulnerability, inform him that he is but a little bitch and command him to address one as Daddy - it is surely but a matter of time until every man in this nation will be required by law to drop to his knees before snarling packs of feral youngsters and perform the most degrading acts of oral gratification upon them.

Such is the unavoidable future of a nation that places the so-called "human rights" of criminals above the common, craven man's inalienable right to fire ferocious volleys of white-hot lead into burglars, hoodlums and children bent on "retrieving their football" from one's property!

But, comes the quibble of the liberal elitist, If the mere existence of notional criminals reduces you to a whimpering, quaking human wreck who lies awake of a night dreaming of righteous murder, why not learn a martial art ?

Such is the foolishness of the ivory-tower dwelling socialists who have wrecked once-Great Britain!

What, pray, shall these "martial arts" do to assist the elderly, the infirm, or those who are so mortally terrified of imagined violence that they befoul their vestements in dread at the slightest prospect? What of those who simply cannot stomach the least amount of physical exertion, and pine priapically for the instantaneous, grovelling obedience that only a powerful handgun confers? Pish, I say!

ZaNu Labour have bequeathed to this blighted nation an unstoppable blitzkreig of horror and butchery, yet they have not even the decency to grant the right to bear arms to the decent, the ordinary and the utterly spineless.

I shall never forgive them, and I can assure you that should I ever acquire a firearm, I shall hunt down my Parliamentarian and give him the sound pistol-whipping he so thoroughly deserves before throwing him senseless over the bonnet of my Lexus and proving my Alpha-male status by thrusting - (Snip - editor)

Thursday, September 11, 2008

My Heart Just Broke For The Cause

“I imagine had I grown up in Belfast I would have 100 percent joined the IRA... My heart just broke for the cause and I have a lot of respect for the intelligence and the honor that these people carried."

...So said Planet Terror actress Rose McGowan, leading to a predictable outcome.

Sure, it's easy to laugh and wave wanker-hands at Hollywood stars for such ramblings, but should we be so quick to judge? After all, the '70s and '80s were tough times for everyone, especially in industrial heartlands like Belfast.

I mean, what kind of wages are we talking about here? Terrorism's a steady job, and the Provos might've been offering an attractive final salary pension scheme. Would she have been able to break through the glass ceiling to the delegating-atrocities level, or would she have been stuck stirring the fertiliser and knee-capping joyriders forever?

I think it's only fair to pause for reflection before we shower Ms. McGowan with the clammy piss of derision. Me, I think her thoughts on this matter have been motivated by the radicalising power of cinema. I paid good money to see one of her films - Phantoms, I think - and after only twenty minutes I felt like mounting my own dirty protest right there in the theatre.
US Republicans Gather For Annual 9/11 Celebrations
Bush Leads Solemn Reflections, Beer-Bong Session
GOP activists "totally pumped" for 24-hour commemorative blow-out

The English Language - Minor Repairs

Small problem - the English language appears to be broken...

...Or so it seems to me, watching all this hyped-up horseshit about the horrific sexism inherent in using the phrase lipstick on a pig to describe a political opponent's economic policies. All kinds of silly tossers are jumping onto their chairs and screeching like the old woman in the Tom & Jerry cartoons, claiming this is vile, gender-based abuse of Veep candidate Sarah Palin.

Let's be clear - that comment isn't sexist in the least.

If I was the Democratic candidate, I'd call her an ignorant, no-talent arsehole with a fanny that rattles when the wind blows, then light a cigar and smile for the cameras.

Now, that is sexism people. and it's also why I'll never bother running for high office.

There - fixed.

Update! I was going to use this post as a hook on which to hang the responses of various right wing British bloggers, but I've had to ditch the plan - I've tried reading about ten of them, but the sounds of furious, purple-faced masturbation are proving seriously off-putting.

Update 2! Still trying, but it appears that for once I'm not exaggerating... AFAICS, there's substantive evidence that at least ninety percent are literally jerking off while they type.

From all the sexy dominatrix comments, it looks like many of them have serious Mummy issues. No wonder Mrs. T remains so popular on the British right.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Further Reflections On The Republican Convention

Thinking on this again, it doesn't surprise me that the Republicans ate up Sarah Palin's The difference between a hockey Mom and a pitbull? Lipstick, LOL!!! line.

That's an important point for any female wingnut to make. Like I say, I'm a country boy, so I've seen a pitbull's lipstick and I understand why Mrs. Palin is keen to reassure people that she doesn't have one. Me, I'm quite convinced she doesn't.

Well, ninety percent sure. Eighty five, no less.

Update! Shorter Nick Cohen...

"This week's Jesus-grovelling, paranoid, bellicose, red-baiting tsunami of disingenuous, fuck-stupid Republican bullshit proves that the Left have lost the plot, just like when they victimised poor Tony Blair."

He gets paid to write these columns, you know, really quite well. If the Observer needs someone to pin the blame for Hurricane Gustav, poor car sales or erectile dysfunction on THE LEFT, I'll happily do it at a third of the price and without all the grief-stricken sobbing over defenestrated past Prime Ministers.

OTOH, if Nick Cohen's looking for anyone to follow him about Britain squirting him with a water pistol filled with lukewarm urine, I'd do that gratis...

Update 2! Fuck me sideways, Hitchens is at it too now - deeply horrified by a) the internetsses ssilly treatment of Mrs. Palin, b) those nasssty Clintonssess and c) that horrible religiouss fraud Mr. Obama. Cue much clutching of pearls and cries of Heavens to Betsy!

I'm sensing an incipient political movement here - perhaps Disingenuous Concern-Trolls For The Legitimation Of Rovian Propaganda. Hitchens can be the House Committee On Unserious Activities and Cohen can be Tailgunner Nick, fearless prosecutor of suspicious Pinko liberals.

Actually, now that I come think of it, Spiteful Boozehounds Will Do Journalistic Anal For Right-Wing Crackpots would be more accurate, and would also provide its own free advertising.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Gimme Some Truth

Boy, this American election really has bloggers all steamed, doesn't it?

One minute it's a shoe-in for silver-tongued bullshitter Barack Obama, and the next thing you know the McCain campaign has dug up some fruity wingnut Supernanny with a talent for sucking off hordes of resentful cretins and suddenly it's GAME ON, baby!

I watched Sarah Palin mount and bounce on the corpse of Richard Nixon on this morning's news, and boy, is this ever shaping up to be a howler of an election campaign... One candidate offering inspiring but vacuous appeals to the electorate's better nature, while his supporters eviscerate anyone who doubts his celestial, supernatural abilities...

...And another keeping his wizened, deflated-football head down while his fragrant surrogate thrusts her offspring in front of the cameras, acting for all the world like possession of a functioning vagina is the highest qualification for office and praising pig ignorance as the pinnacle of human virtue.

Meanwhile, the American economy tanks into the toilet and Vladimir Putin takes a huge, steaming dump on the White House lawn with total impunity. Isn't democracy great?

In the face of all this, I feel like I need to scotch a couple of myths that are being seriously entertained by some of the best-paid political analysts in the business.

1) The media are not "in the tank" for Obama

Sure, they've greeted plenty of his big speeches like Obama was the impossible offspring of Lincoln and Doctor King, but that's not because the American media has a "liberal bias" - as anyone who's read a US daily in the past ten years would know, it has a power bias. It's the domain of wide-eyed, starfucking groupies, not hardcore ideologues.

Just as the papers and the networks fell over themselves to kiss Clinton's ass in the mid-nineties and threw their moist underwear at George W. in the buildup to the invasion of Iraq, they've gravitated to Obama because of his obvious superiority as a public and political figure.

Let's not mess about here - Obama has gravitas, charisma and a bit of superstar appeal. John McCain is a 2000 year old curmudgeon with all the sexual allure of an open throat wound.

Obama can dazzle crowds of thousands with his magnetic public speaking skills, and makes McCain look like a geriatric supermarket meet 'n' greeter who's just been caught with his fingers in the till. If there's a parallel for McCain in Hollywood history, it's surely Big Ben in the laughably shit '80s horror movie House - the reanimated corpse of a Vietnam veteran, an American nightmare boiling with rage and bitterness, come to wreak hideous vengeance on those who left him to rot in southeast Asia.

So naturally, the silly bitches of the American media latched onto Obama... But if next week's polling data puts McCain eight points clear of Obama, expect to suddenly hear about McCain's amazing honesty and humbleness, and prepare yourself for terrifying tales of how Obama prays nightly for the destruction of America at the hands of his brimstone-reeking, twenty-headed Muslim god.

This is the land of opportunity we're talking about, peeps - money talks, and liberal bias walks.

2) Country folks do not possess any special inner strength, nobility or innate wisdom

They are just people like everybody else - some of them are smart, funny and likeable, while others are mean, duller than pish and as dumb as rocks.

I may have spent about a third of my life living in cities, but I'm from the country originally - that particularly lowland Scottish countryside where not an acre is untouched by human hands but is entirely covered with fields, livestock and crops planted with the specific intention of driving hayfever sufferers to suicide.

Plenty of rural people would lend you their last fiver. They'd be the first down at the shops to pick up your food shopping if you were unwell, and they'd defend you to the best of their abilities if they saw you in trouble.

On the other hand, your teenage kids won't be able to walk down the next town's high street for fear of being kicked half to death by the locals. Large numbers of country people take unbelievable pride in their "simplicity" and "ordinariness", which are bovine euphemisms for blunt stupidity and cowardice in the face of alien ideas. They may well be closer to their families and believe in moral values, but in little one-pub towns there's nothing to do but get drunk and screw each others' spouses. The north of Scotland is infamous for this.

Hell, my parents still live in the village I grew up in, and a woman who lives down the street from them has just been busted for dealing heroin.

Country people are just city people without the cynicism and the eagerness to follow fads. They don't possess any special virtues or vices that you can't find in their townie compatriots.

So, finally, what does all of this mean for the US elections?

Hell, you've seen American elections before - it'll be the same as ever, utterly dependant on the quantity of bullshit in the national discourse. It means it's all up in the air again, and it's all going to depend on which candidate's message wins out.

What's going to be the big issue in the week before the election? If the papers are running stories about the economy, Obama will win big. If they're bleating about the same red-baiting, Jesus-sucking bollocks they have done for the last thirty years, it'll be McCain's wrinkled hand pulling the levers of power.

Damn, I thought us Brits had it bad...
Joyful Pakistanis Celebrate Opening of Clay Prime Minister Shooting Range
Times of Islamabad, 4th September 2008