By Yaquub Akhtar
Can I ask you guys somefin'?
I don't want you all kickin' off an' gettin' angry, so will ya just hear me out?
Look, you're all my bruvvers an' I don't wanna disrespect ya, but when was the last time we said "Fuck it, lets sink a few beers, do a few lines and and go out on the pull?"
Look at us, sittin' in this stinkin' flat night after night mixin' volatile chemicals, only pausin' to eat, pray and sleep. We never do anyfing fun any more.
This terrorist cell used to be radical, but now it's totally bogus.
Hey, hear me out, guys. Remember that night we sat up playin' Halo on the XBox and honkin' on the bong all night, and Ozzy monged out and puked everywhere, and then we got Hassan's cat totally baked by feedin' it 'ash cookies?
Ah, those were the days - we spent hours laughin' at that cat. When was the last time we did anyfing like that?
Yeah, yeah, I know our Muslim brothers is oppressed by a fascist British state, but surely we can take a night off from Jihad every now and then.
Just because we love death don't mean we can't live a little, y' know.
Couldn't we just get some birds round and get well lairy on vodka-Red Bulls, just for old time's sake? Remember that right go-er you copped off wiv at the Rev that time, Ozzy?
She looked well immodest.
Easy on the nails there, Hassan, we ain't made of money.
Look, I ain't sayin' we should just say, "Fuck the Jihad, let's go get pissed!", but I'm goin' mad cooped up in 'ere. A night off would do us good, I could murder a pint.
Plus, I ain't 'ad a bit in months - I could dig up a badger and bum it, I swear.
That's the spirit, Ozzy! I say we start with a few bottles here, then head down the pub for a few shooters, maybe hit a club later if we feel like it.
You'll get your reward in Heaven, my son.