Thursday, August 28, 2014

We must speak out against injustice without fear of being called “racists” or “convicted criminals”

by Denis MacShane*, disgraced former MP

Having seen the full horror of Professor Jay’s report into organised sexual abuse in my former constituency, no-one can now deny that there is a dreadful culture in this country that tolerates and abets rampant criminality.

The report shows that public officials should tackle offenders regardless of race, without allowing themselves to be cowed by fears about “political correctness” or “being a convicted criminal with a prison record”.

Non-offenders in positions of power should bow their heads in shame. Our towns now have chief executives. Shouldn’t they take responsibility?

Certainly, as a mere Member of Parliament for the area in which these terrible crimes were committed, for the entire duration of these offences, I could have burrowed more deeply into the issue.  It may be that, as a true Guardian reader and liberal leftie, I didn’t want to rock the multicultural boat.

Or perhaps I was just too busy grafting large sums of public money by submitting fraudulent expenses claims to pay heed to the vast sexual abuse network that was flourishing under my nose. 

I don’t recall any of my constituents raising concerns about a cabal of child molesters with me and maybe, had this matter been brought to my attention, I might have investigated further and sought answers. 

Although in all likelihood, I would’ve been quite busy at the time illegally siphoning thousands of pounds to fund a vast array of think-tanks and watchdog organisations in an  endless campaign of brazen self-aggrandisement.

I can see why some may think it odd that I have so far escaped serious criticism for allowing a sexual abuse ring to operate unhindered, while I turned public cash into hay to feed my countless political hobby-horses. 

To that, I can only say - my dear journalists, if you need someone to publicly blame his own malfeasance on the Guardian and an abstract “liberalism”, well, you have my phone number.  Call me.

*Not actually the words of the hyper-litigious Denis MacShane.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Me, Or Your Lyin' Eyes?

For a new low in the old Terrorists Are Bad gambit - a rhetorical dodge allowing that no matter how bad your behaviour is, it's wholly justified because Terrorists Are Bad - see the following from JC editor Stephen Pollard:



This being Pollard's excuse for why he's apologised to his readers for running a humanitarian appeal for the people of Gaza in his paper.

You do have to wonder quite how far Pollard intends to ride this particular pony up Bullshit Boulevard: "It was wrong of me to shag the babysitter darling, but it's alarming that you are so much angrier about my infidelity than you are about Hamas war crimes", perhaps, or "I accept that public urination is illegal officer, but so is the act of firing rockets within civilian areas".

Anyway, the thing I like best about this is that Pollard actually seems to think that he's making a reasonable point, rather than giving us all a big belly-laugh at his expense.

Your Dick In Your Hand

Being reflexively anti-war in the UK is hard work - everyone agrees with you all the time, right up until everyone doesn't, and then you're left standing there with nothing but your dick in your hand while everyone else chases off after Gadaffis and Saddams with high-explosives.

It happens again and again and no matter how many times folk slink back later saying, well, we made a few justifiable strategic errors, you just know that you're going to have to issue the same Don't kill people warnings, one meagre year down the line.  It's generally a lonely life.

It doesn't matter, how many times your Yazidis get off the mountain without significant UK aid or an entirely theoretical artillery seige of Bengazhi with rapacious house-to-house murders turns into an actual, person-killing, NATO-supported, civilians-running-everywhere seige of Sirte.  There's always some compelling reason why this war, this intervention, this bombardment, is radically different to all the other invasions and occupations and airstrike campaigns, and why the horrible news always means that there's no time for rational thought this time before we start blowing that shit up.

Seriously, can anyone name a single UK military operation of the last thirty years that wasn't so urgent, so pressing, so desperate, that there was any time at all available for reasonable consideration or reflection?  I can't, and I have to say that I'm getting a bit suspicious about the constancy of the refrain.

I'm not even a pacifist myself - I'm quite in favour of serious violence, within certain constrained circumstances.  Nonetheless, if you're anti-war, that should mean something - it should relate to an actual principle about warfare that you have to consider and either stick to or throw aside out of absolute necessity, rather than easily turning a 180 on the spot and deciding that this war is actually awesome.

And yet, and yet.  Every single bombing campaign, it's the same.  We have no choice.

Friday, August 08, 2014

Declaration of (War/ Humanitarian intervention/ Kinetic operations) by (George W. Bush/Barack Obama; Anthony Blair/ Gordon Brown/ David Cameron; Nicolas Sarkozy/Francois Hollande; Ariel Sharon/ Ehud Olmert/ Benjamin Netanyahu/ Miscellaneous

(Presidential/ Prime Ministerial) address to the (Congress/ Senate/ Parliament/ National Assembly/ Knesset/ Miscellaneous) of (The United States of America/ The United Kingdom/ France/ Israel/ Miscellaneous

dd/mm/yyyy

It is with (great regret/ a heavy heart/ great resolve) that I must inform (Congress/ The Senate/ Parliament/ The National Assembly/ the Knesset/ Miscellaneous) that the situation is now grave and that I have ordered our nation's armed forces to prepare for imminent military action.

The situation in (Iraq/ Pakistan/ Afghanistan/ Sierra Leone/ Gaza/ Yemen/ Kosovo/ Lebanon/ Somalia/ Libya/ Syria) has now grown desperate and we are now (forced/compelled/required) to act in order to (prevent a dictator acquiring deadly weapons/ prevent extremists overrunning [area]/ prevent genocide/  protect civilians).  

I have consulted with our allies and (we have agreed that/ I have informed them that) military action will commence presently.

We have not taken this decision lightly, but the danger posed by (Iraq/ Pakistan/ Afghanistan/ Sierra Leone/ Gaza/ Yemen/ Kosovo/ Lebanon/ Somalia/ Libya/ Syria/ miscellaneous militia group in territory thereof) is so serious, so urgent, that we simply must (intervene to prevent the spread of/ degrade the capability of) this threat as a matter of vital (national security/ military necessity/ moral necessity).  

I can assure the people of (Iraq/ Pakistan/ Afghanistan/ Sierra Leone/ Gaza/ Yemen/ Kosovo/ Lebanon/ Somalia/ Libya/ Syria) that we have no quarrel with them and that we will do everything possible to ensure their safety.  They should rest assured that we will not stop until the threat of (Saddam Hussein/ ISIS/ Colonel Gadaffi/ Hamas/ Hezbollah/ miscellaneous militia group) has been defeated.  

I understand that many of you will have misgivings but it is clear that this situation is completely unlike (the 2nd Gulf War/ the Israel-Lebanon War/ the occupation of Afghanistan)This mission will not involve (invasion/ occupation/ mass destruction of civilian infrastructure).  It will be a limited, narrowly-focused operation aimed at (protecting civilians/ removing a clear and imminent danger).

This government will take every step necessary to ensure that we are committed to (ensuring the security of [our nation/the region]/ preventing the victory of evil forces)

My fellow citizens, (God bless the United States of America/ Thank you for your time/ Fuck you if you don't like it).  

Thursday, July 31, 2014


The RatThe Rat.png
Celtic.jpg 


Celtic finally playing like Brazil



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NHS unveils cute “Mr Ebola-Head” character to teach public about haemorrhaging to death from every orifice

Pink assault rifle.jpgMy First Rifle row: Feminists protest “pernicious gender stereotyping”

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Dawkins.jpgHysterically giggling Dawkins takes dump into own cupped hands, applauds

Mother disgusted by son’s Hardcore Mode PS3 video stashHardcore Mode.png
A local woman who stumbled across her 33-year-old son’s hidden stash of Playstation advice videos says she’s “sickened” by the evidence of his horrifically dorky, socially unacceptable internet habits.

Jennifer Robertson, 54, discovered the clips in her son Alan’s internet search history.   When she clicked on a page called “Hardcore Mode - Machete Tips ‘n’ Tactics”, what she found was worse than she could possibly have imagined - a two-hour tutorial on how to play a video game more successfully.

“He’s spent hours watching sick clips with names like “OMG Owned - 15 Tips For Better Stealth Killz”, Jennifer said. “You can’t even see their faces, for God’s sake. It’s just forty-five minutes of grunting while  a big digital combat knife goes in and out, in and out, and a teenager from Arizona shouts racist insults at his television”.

“Oh god, I think I’m going to be sick”, she said… See “Frag-spamming”, p.11
Police sword.jpg“Nothing fishy” as Police Scotland issues samurai swords to beat bobbies

Scotland’s top cop today insisted that there was “nothing even slightly odd or suspicious going on” as it emerged that officers have been carrying samurai swords on regular patrols in the nation’s city centres.

“We are committed to keeping the people of Scotland safe”, Chief Constable Stephen House screamed at reporters as seventeen black-clad police ninjas watched on in a state of high alertness, hands upon the hilts of their razor-edged folded-steel blades, ready to draw.  

“Law-abiding citizens will have nothing to fear, but those who indulge in unacceptable criminal behaviour will…” See “Instantly Dismembered”, p.14

The Rat says… Good on Richard Dawkins for speaking up for the kiddy-fiddlers.  He’s proven that when it comes to making excuses for sexual abuse, atheists can hold their own against the faithful, and against the children of the faithful.

The religious have monopolised the world of criminal sex offences against children for far too long, with their so-called “intelligent molestation” explanation for noncery. The Rat says - go get ‘em, Professor Dawkins.

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Did you know?: Despite their anger over “PC gone mad” in the new female Thor reboot, most Marvel fans are unaware that comic books have always been gay, lame and retarded.



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Malaysia Flight 370 probably past the bit with the polar bear & the smoke monster now

Better molesting together.JPG

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Palestinian TV: “No racist message” in new kids’ cartoon character Anti-Semitey Sam

Gaza War prompts trolling surge

Washington, United States: President Barack Obama has voiced his “grave concern” over an upsurge in abusive online trolling linked to the ongoing Gaza War.

Both Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry have received numerous messages sent to their personal Twitter accounts accusing them of hating Israel and aiding the extremist militia Hamas.

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After Mr Kerry suggested that the Israeli Defence Forces could perhaps desist from bombing Gaza for a while a message, sent from an account named “IDF Spokesperson”, accused Mr Kerry of mounting a “strategic terrorist attack” upon Israel. Another, from “Avigdor4PM”, simply said: “U jew haterz make me sick DIE”.

President Barack Obama is considering a number of counter-measures to tackle the problem, including the possibility of increasing American deliveries of expensive, high-tech weaponry and cash to Tel Aviv.

Terror As Biased Media Step Up Assault On Israel 
By Jingo Horatio, 31 July 2014

Sirens blared throughout central and northern Israel last night as the beseiged nation came under renewed assault from the entire planet's biased media organisations.

Distressed mothers swept their crying children into their arms and hurried into local shelters as images of destroyed buildings and massive explosions came screaming out of their television sets and Twitter feeds.

To the east of the country, the combined forces of the BBC and the Guardian bombarded the defenceless nation with video footage of dead Palestinians, all of whom had been intentionally murdered by terrorists via an entirely abstract and highly tendentious chain of causality.

In the West Bank meanwhile, the Jon Snow Brigade - the paramilitary wing of Channel 4 News - swept towards Gaza City, cynically hoping to take advantage of Israel's reluctance to use overwhelming force by taking pictures of the buildings and human beings that the Israeli Defence Force had destroyed with high explosives, and then recklessly talking about them.

"It was horrifying", said Bibi, 64, of Tel Aviv,  describing the remorseless media onslaught.  "They came out of nowhere, brutally shooting footage of missile impacts and artillery barrages... I did not think I would survive". 

"I fear for my family... Literally nothing could possibly be worse than this terrible, unfair campaign of media criticism". 

Friday, July 25, 2014


The Rat The Rat.png
Knife.jpgCommonwealth Games: Scotland dominant in close-range fencing



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Brownlee brothers take Gold, Silver medals in Anal Patriotism

terrier.jpgErra Scottie-Dug

Better molesting together.JPG

UK horseshit-money-based economy outstrips global growth - new figures

LONDON - New figures suggest that the UK’s horseshit economy is out-performing the rest of the planet’s dogshit growth rates, creating an unprecedented boom in fantastical industry and phantom money.

The 2008 collapse of the so-called bullshit economy, largely seen as the product of irresponsible lending and professional sharp-practice, had lowered hopes of future economic vitality.  

But today’s announcement by the Bank of England indicates that financial innovation in the new fields of Horseshit Finance and Horseshit Futures is driving unprecedented prosperity.  

“We’ve never seen anything quite like this in London”, said Barney Fister of City firm Grabbit & Bolt. “The booming Horseshit-Money market has finally exorcised the wailing ghost of the catastrophic Bullshit-Money boom of the last decade”.   

“And the best part is, absolutely nothing can go wrong and everyone will just keep getting richer and richer, indefinitely”. Cont page 14
John Barrowman.jpgNigeria protests opening ceremony gay kiss
“It’s not porn if you can’t see it going in”

The Nigerian Government has complained to the UK ambassador after actor John Barrowman took part in a gay kiss in the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony.  
“We understand that the UK is a depraved homosexual society” Culture Minister Akono Lawal said, “So where are all these hot cocks we were told about?  At least a bit of digital penetration, for the love of…”
See “Disappointed Nigerians in Golden Shower plea”, page 14


The Rat says… Who do militant group ISIS think they are, ordering all Iraqi women to be rounded up to undergo genital mutilation?

Obviously, we know they aren’t doing that and that this is a made-up story about a group that is already quite horrifying enough.  But that shouldn’t prevent us from condemning them for it.

The UN bureau for Made-Up Facts has proved beyond doubt that this horror is happening now, even though it isn’t actually happening.

When we stop condemning made-up atrocities, we lose our humanity... and The Rat will never allow that to happen.
Das Vos Alle Ein Dream?
Wilhelm.jpgThe fateful day Kaiser Wilhelm awoke to find Archduke Franz Ferdinand in the shower and realised that the last five years of war never really happened.




Arizona.jpg
Arizona Governor: “Maybe execution by skull-fucking will work”

Live from Glasgow ‘14: Who the fuck are you looking at, eh? Eh?

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Opinion

How Come Nobody Gets Upset Until You Openly Advocate Killing Lots of People With High-Explosives?
By Jingo Horatio

I’ve been writing this column for years and it’s only recently I’ve noticed that most of my pieces don’t seem to upset people.  Not even the controversial ones…  I guess that I must be an amiable guy.

When I said that Colonel Gadaffi was an evil tyrant who should be stopped, silence.  When I called upon the Iraqi Government to respond forcefully to ISIS extremist militias, nada. And when I said that the Syrian Government was evil, barbaric and murderous… Crickets.

And yet, the very second that I advocate mercilessly bombing 1.7 million human beings with missiles and artillery in an orgy of brutal, terrifying destruction, suddenly everyone gets very upset indeed.

I wonder what the difference is? Perhaps some people are just racist, and think that Scottish parody columnists shouldn’t be allowed to speak? Perhaps they think fictional writers like me should stop penning satirical columns about ludicrously obvious double-standards and hypocrisies in the proclamations of notable public figures?

Or maybe they just think that openly desiring and propagandising for mayhem and murderous violence is in some way wrong or repellent.

I’ll let you decide… But it’s certainly highly suspicious.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

That "Don't Kill" Rule Was a Commandment, Not a Suggestion

I used to have a rule at this here blog that I'd never get into Israel's barney with the Palestinians, not least because 1) People who want that kind of thing can probably get it better and angrier elsewhere, 2) There are already far too many blogs going on and on about it from both sides and 3) About 80% of those who comment on the issue are just bloody awful human beings.

This rule inevitably fell foul of my own manias, since most of my output is basically me getting all pouty and annoyed by people who bullshit for political purposes.  Given the quantity of hilarious bullshit flying around right now, I feel like I don't have much choice but to go with one last bleat, and I'll not raise the topic again for a while.

So, the official IDF Spokesperson Twitter account is illuminating in all kinds of unexpected ways, isn't it?

Whichever PR team it is that are running it* appear to believe that they're landing blow after blow on the enemy in a series of astounding propaganda coups, and who knows?  Maybe they are, and it certainly never hurts to remind people that Hamas really are a bunch of godawful shits.

To me though, almost everything the IDF's PR team says just underscores the sheer lunacy of the entire situation.  When the IDF Spokesperson announces that they've killed some Hamas men who tunnelled out of Gaza, it reminds me that Hamas are basically incapable of mounting any kind of resistence of consequence.  It shows that Hamas's crack troops can literally spend months digging a damn tunnel out of Gaza, only to be immediately vapourised by insanely expensive weapons that might as well be fired from outer space the instant they poke their heads out of the other end.

The same goes for captured arms or photos of rockets being fired off, which only serve to remind the world that these theoretically frightening terrorists are hilariously outgunned and utterly incapable of inflicting any kind of disastrous cost upon their enemies, unless the IDF madly decide to put soldiers inside Gaza and have them wander around for snipers to take potshots at.

Similarly, when the spokesperson shows us neat infographics of rockets hidden in houses, mosques and hospitals, it merely emphasises that the IDF are bombing houses, mosques and hospitals.  When they tell everyone that they're very moral because they warn people to get out of houses that they're going to bomb, it announces clearly that they believe - inaccurately - that there's some kind of legal duty on civilians to get out of the way of their missiles, and that they can swerve culpability with a phone call or a dud rocket.  

In short, the laser-like focus on claims that Hamas is responsible for the deaths of all the civilians that the IDF is killing just reinforces the fact that, you know, the IDF is killing civilians.  And while that may annoy the thousands of Melanie Phillips types buzzing around the internet like angry wasps, I think any reasonable person is going to come away from the spokesperson's account with an impression that the IDF may not, in fact, be "the most moral army in the world"**, and that most of its problems stem directly from its habit of intentionally incarcerating and immiserating 1.7 million people...  And that this is, shall we say, not solely Hamas's fault.

Which makes me wonder what the purpose of the Spokesperson account actually is.  It's surely not aimed at winning over Israel's critics - the stridently lunatic tone and continual references to rubbing out civvies are huge, honking schoolboy errors, if it is.

In the end, I can only imagine that it exists in order to keep the thousands of Mel P/angry wasp social media types furious and on-message; to provide them with neat infographics and cool photos. I'm not certain that this achieves any concrete purpose at all, beyond making people who were already extremely pissed off even more so.

I know that Irn-Bru advertisers have an easier sales job but really, you have to ask if this is the best that the IDF can do, because if it is, they'd probably have made a better case by just keeping quiet and letting the right-wing press handle the apologia operation.  The Times, for instance, has managed to pull off almost exactly the same propaganda wheezes every day for two weeks without looking half as maniacal.



*I've no idea whether the IDF hires PR consultants or promotes from within the ranks, but I reckon the sheer ineptitude seems to indicate that it's the latter.

**Who does have "the the most moral army in the world"?  The Swiss one, perhaps - it seldom kills anyone.

Friday, July 18, 2014


The Rat.pngThe Rat

Very sad ally mccoist.jpg
“They were mean to us” sobs sad, snottery Ally

“Boo hoo hoo hoo” - McCoist
See back page
Friday 18 July 2014


Bibi.jpg Guffawing Netanyahu fucks row of doughnuts

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“Naughty, dirty Tulisa” whispers ferociously masturbating editor

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Tory reshuffle inspires hopes for future of equal-opportunity malice

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David Cameron has completed his boldest-ever reshuffle as he promoted a “fresh team” of horrible female nutters to his cabinet in what is being seen as the opening shots of the 2015 General Election.

Speaking after the reshuffle was announced, Prime Minister David Cameron said he hoped the appointments would “inspire godawful shits of all creeds and colours to new heights of cruelty”.

“The Conservatives are the party of opportunity, and we are committed to building a Britain in which everyone has the chance to be beaten by a female police officer, hurled out of their home by a gay bailiff or fired by their transgender boss”.

Cameron has received criticism for replacing several experienced, hateful male ministers with seven comparably mean-as-fuck female economic Darwinists, but rejected charges of tokenism.

“I believe in appointing the right people to do the job, whether that job is Secretary of State for Education or trainee burger-monkey in a zero-hours fast food chain”, Cameron said. “The workplace is the perfect avenue for rewarding everyone’s psychotic urge to stomp like stormtroopers upon their fellow human beings”.
Culture: Fresh Tarttdonna_tartt.jpg
Extract from novelist’s new work threatens 800-page descriptive monologue on faded grandeur of bohemian upstate New York residence of academic family fallen upon hard times.  Page Nine



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Now arrogant Germans won’t even let us spy on them
The Rat says: They’re first out with the beach towels at your hotel, and now the Germans think they’re so superior that they deserve some kind of exemption from the Americans' Orwellian surveillance system. They aren't.
Putin bites chunk out of underling’s face to promote traditional values


Wildcat.jpgExcuses to run photos of Scottish wildcats “headed for extinction”

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Today in history: Palo Alto, 1993
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates vows to create a new “Discrimination Superhighway”.

“By the year 2006, everyone will be able to hurl filthy abuse each other online from the comfort of their own homes with ear-bleeding intensity and eyeball-scorching ferocity”, Mr Gates announced today.

“The Discrimination Superhighway will bring humanity together, then cause us all to recoil in horror from each other at our mutual, resentment-fuelled repellence”.

A spokesperson for Apple issued the following statement via email: “Who cares what that speccy twat Gates think? He’s one of those  bloody Catholics, isn’t he”.

Deranged lunatics converge on BBC for protest about something
By Jingo Horatio

2,000 deranged, dribbling idiots descended on BBC HQ last night to protest some mental shit that they have a bee in their bonnets about.

The protesters carried banners denouncing bias in the BBC’s coverage of some issue or other, most likely Palestine or climate change or a football club going bust, or some other tiresome nonsense that is basically far beyond the broadcaster’s control.

“We’re all very angry”, said one whacking great bell-end of a human being, between loud outbursts of incoherent, bovine bellowing.  “We pay for the BBC, and we expect it to mindlessly repeat whatever mad fucking bullshit we’re upset about on any particular day of the week”.

A general chant of “Stop being so biased about the things” went up as the evening cleaning shift tried to make its way through the placard-waving throng of angry, clueless morons to just get a day’s damn work done without having to put up with this type of thing.

“I have no idea what they’re on about now”, said one employee. “If it’s not one thing, it’s another and frankly, these protests are so common and so incoherent that I personally couldn’t give a shit whether they even have a point or not”.  
IDF: Israel “hitting Palestinians because it loves them”

A spokesperson for the Israeli Defence Force has responded to criticism of its assault on the Gaza Strip by saying that it deeply loves the Palestinian people, but just wishes they wouldn’t get it all angry and wound-up by nagging and annoying it when it’s trying to watch TV.

“We take the greatest care not to harm civilians while we’re dropping high explosives on them”, a spokesperson said, “And we just wish that the Palestinians would stop talking all that shit all the goddamn time”.